The ‘Me’ God Wants Me to Be

Last year Narara Valley Baptist Church developed a 5 week devotional journal.  When asked to consider writing something this year when they started putting another one together, I was thrilled!  NVBC has supported ZOE generously and it was a privilege to be asked to write something for their journal. I really hope it encourages the community at NVBC as well as those of you reading it here.

I often feel like the ‘me’ I want to be doesn’t match up with the ‘me’ I actually am. The ‘me’ I want to be has a month of meals pre-planned, an empty ironing basket, biscuits baking in the oven, a husband who knows how much he's adored, updated family photos framed, waxed legs, children who never argue, friends who feel appreciated, kind words flowing from my mouth, a house that looks like something from a ‘Pinterest’ page, emails replied to … 
You get the picture!
The woman who glanced in the mirror last week, as she rushed out to work reflected: mascara forgotten, hair needing a wash, outfit not thoroughly thought through, hairy legs, tired eyes, grumpy words and a look of disappointment... disappointment at the 'me' I so desperately want to be but continually seem to fall short of.
I catch myself asking, is it even possible to be the loving wife, the mum, the teacher, the friend, the daughter, the sister and the missionary that I strive to be?
These questions lead me to remind myself that it's not about ‘me’. My mission is not about trying to ‘be’ something or someone that I can never really live up to. When it all boils down, when I reflect on what my Heavenly Father has done for me, all I want is to be the ‘me’ God wants me to be.
All through the Gospels I read passages where Jesus is quoted saying, “Follow me.” When I think about it though, to be a “follower” of Jesus means I actually have to follow, or copy, what Jesus did. It sounds so easy, right? Oh, but how hard it can often be! I love how simply John 13: 34-35 lays it out, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
One of my favourite quotes from Mother Teresa is “If you can't do great things, do little things with great love. If you can't do them with great love, do them with a little love. If you can't do them with a little love, do them anyway. Love grows when people serve.”
I personally think that Jesus was the best example of what a loving, servant heart is meant to look like. And that God is the perfect example of what our character should reflect because of the love, mercy, grace, and justice He first showed us.

The ‘me’ I want to be can no longer be measured on how well-groomed or well-organised I am, how ‘perfectly’ I try to present myself in terms of my domestic abilities or my feeble attempts to appear like I have-it-all-together.
When I draw near to God, and let Him fill my heart with His perfect love. When I love and serve as Christ did, is to be the ‘me’ God wants.

God is Good… all the time.

You've heard it said before, 'Bad things happen to good people'.  
And often times 'bad' things happen to the innocent, the vulnerable, the weak, the frail and those who needed protecting the most.  I know that.  I've seen it.
That's why we came.
As parents, we are constantly planning, evaluating, limiting risk, protecting, sheltering, comforting, watching and doing everything in our power to ensure that our kids are safe - that nothing 'bad' happens to them.
But sometimes, no matter how much we do.  
How much we watch.  
How much we eliminate risk. 
Something still happens.
Something that couldn't be foreseen or predicted.
And it knocks you down like the force of a strong wave and leaves you swept up and winded on the beach wondering, what just happened?  
And then more waves come crashing and pounding you with the "surely nots" and "what nexts?".
But before you can stand up and answer those questions you have to deal with the waves of anger and injustice and forgiveness. 
How it must break God's heart when His little children suffer.  
To hear their cries and see their tears…
I can't imagine facing life's challenges without knowing God.  
When nothing makes sense - His truth remains.  
His Word picks us back up, it wraps us in a big warm towel, carries us to a safer place and it sets us back on our feet.  
John 10:10.  How many times have we recited that verse when we have shared about our work at ZOE? I've taught it to my class and our children know it well.
And so I continue to believe that God is good.
When the waves crash around me and I'm thrown down again, I sing Bless the Lord O My Soul, Worship Your Holy Name.  For all Your goodness I will keep on singing… Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find.
The truth remains, God is good.  Healing comes and the ultimately the victory is His.
Won't it be wonderful when there are no more tears? There are some seasons that remind me just how much sweeter Heaven will be.

Christmas Joy

Wow! What an amazingly fun and busy month December was.  Ours was definitely filled with Christmas joy that's for sure.  

Here are a few highlights of the month just gone.  

They say "a picture is worth a thousand words" so here goes... 

December 5th: A Parade to Celebrate The birthday of HM The King Of Thailand 

December 6th: Spencer begins swimming lessons with his 2 besties.

December 10th: Sweet 7 year old

A wintery, snow globe party. 

December 11th: Dave takes Eli iceskating for her birthday.

Hanging around waiting for the last day of school!

December 18th: Singing at the Elderly People's Home

December 20th: Christmas Chapel

December 23rd: Iceskating- Missionary Christmas fun.

Christmas Eve Potluck at ZOE

Christmas Eve: Singing at ZOE

Christmas Church service: Tobi and Eli dancing

Playing with Eli's new pets... cutest bunnies ever!

New Years Eve at ZOE... 

This team sports day turned out like a cross between 'It's a Knock Out' and a mini Olympics- so much fun!

Waiting at the finish line for the "marathon" runners to finish.

Tobi in the sack race.

Tug-a-war

And there you have it! December all wrapped up.  
But wait, before I go... Could winter be any more perfect? Seriously? I love this weather!

This week's weather forecast.

Happy New Year!

Full of Life

Okay, so you would think that after nearly 4 years here, I would not still be sad about having a fake Christmas tree! Right?  Well... I must admit today as I undressed our plastic tree and started sorting the decorations into piles, it did cross my mind {for a split second} that we could just cover the whole plastic tree with a garbage bag and store it away (still decorated) for next year.  

But then I was totally mad at myself for even entertaining that thought!  I love decorating the tree, what was I thinking?  
I actually felt very reflective this year as I took apart the tree.  I was remembering all the fun Dave and I used to have going to the Christmas tree farm and choosing our tree and chopping it down.  How every year it looked different and the smell... oohh that smell of pine needles.  I do miss that smell.  I also reminisced as I carefully took each decoration off and placed them on the couch, I thought about how before we had children, our tree was all perfect and colour coordinated.  How we had bought some really special decorations when we were first married but now, after like 14 Christmases, they are looking very... worn.  I noticed the decorations we made at ZOE one year and I gazed at the star and the tinsel that some friends had sent us in the mail for our first Christmas here in Thailand.  I admired the beautiful angel ornament a friend just gave me in support of the Kachin people in Burma, the star made by a young lady with HIV which we bought at church, the little grass nest which holds a bird, weaved by a little girl at ZOE and given to Eliana... And, of course, all the wonderful decorations that our three children have made at kindergarten and school over the years.  
I love it that now our tree is so full of 'life'- not in the sense of being a real tree, but as a reflection of the life we have as a family, who we are and the memories we've made together.
As Tobi walked past the couch where all the decorations were placed, I asked him which one he liked the most and why.  He chose a little kangaroo wearing a Santa's hat.  "I like this one" he said very seriously.  "It reminds me about how we used to have Christmas in Australia, but now we don't. But sometimes we have Christmas in July and it reminds me about that too."
And so, with the decorations away for another year, and the tree... folded down, so begins a new year.  

I have so many goals and dreams for 2014.  I am eagerly looking forward to all that unfolds. Thank you for stopping by this blog and showing an interest in the work that we do.  
Whether you had a white Christmas or a scorching hot one, a real pine tree or small plastic one like us, I hope that you found peace and joy this year knowing that Jesus came to this Earth for you.  
His birthday was a gift for us.  It is Him that gives life and we can only experience real acceptance and love because He came.  

...more Chrsitmas updates and photos coming soon!

The Christmas Letter [that almost didn't happen]!

Firstly, thank you for your love and care for our family.  We know we don’t communicate nearly enough and our efforts at keeping in touch are sporadic, but we truly are grateful for all you do to keep us in your thoughts and prayers despite the distance between us.

Well as I sit here reflecting about this past year I see Spencer eating his breakfast at the table… dressed up as a bear.  Our children continue to be a source of much joy and laughter for David and I.  They are growing up so quickly and sometimes I wish I could just freeze them at their current ages.

It’s been an interesting year and maybe one of our hardest so far.  It’s difficult to pinpoint why this is the case as we feel settled in our home, the children love school and life, there have been no major cases of sickness etc. but, life has, at times, felt overwhelming and exhausting.   It has been through this year though that we have been able to clearly see God’s hand on our family and know that He’s sustained us and given us the energy and strength that we needed.  As we continue to seek Him in 2014, we trust that His plan for our lives and our work here will continue to unfold.

I am so thankful for the two times this year when we have been able to take some time to rejuvenate and re-energise.  In June this year we took a week off and had a ‘staycation’ in Chiangmai at the Juniper Tree, a place of rest for missionary families.  It was a precious time to get to know some other families who are serving all over Asia as well as having time as a family without any of life’s usual distractions.  The second time of refreshment was about a month ago.  A church in America paid for all the ZOE missionary families to go and stay at a resort and they organised a four- day retreat/conference for us as a time of reflection, teaching, rest as well as lots of fun.  We felt so blessed and privileged to have been given this gift.

Singing on stage at the retreat.

Well, one highlight from the beginning of 2013 was having Dave’s two sisters, brother-in-law and nephew spend some time here in Chiang Mai.  We loved having them here, especially when Tammy stayed on longer to do an intensive language course.  We shared a lot of laughs and a lot of mango and sticky rice together.

I hit a bit of a low at the beginning of the year when my classes at ZOE became increasingly challenging.  Bogged down by the enormity of just what some of my students had been through coupled with a deep yearning to connect with them and show them God's amazing love through my life and actions, I had to remind myself that it's all about God and not about me.  Any little thing I can do is only through His power.  As His servant, my job is to continually and diligently be in prayer and obedience, remembering, that it is God who breaks the chains.  

In February, it was a pleasure to work alongside Dave and be the “official” photographers for two different ZOE staff member’s weddings.  We had such a blast doing this as well as presenting them with framed wedding photos as our gift to them.  In February, we also got an oven!  Whoop! Whoop! This was a highlight for me and it meant that I could, once again, bake and cook some of our family’s favourite meals.

We also completed our first ‘Run for Relief’ 5km fun run to raise money for the displaced people in the neighbouring country of Burma.  We have since been back to walk/run this track and bike-ride. We look forward to this being an annual event that our family completes together. 

March brought us to the decision to move Tobi to the Australian school where Eliana attends.  It was a big decision, but one that we have been so happy to have made.  Eli and Tobi were in the same class for the last part of the school year and are now in a split 2/3 class.

Visiting the Elderly Home

From April to June, I busied myself by helping out at our children’s school by doing odd jobs like purchasing and arranging a new air-conditioning unit to be installed, helping to bring in a school uniform and even being the school photographer!  I was also able to set up the schedule for our trip back to Australia and help Dave prepare for all the different events that he was speaking at.

In amongst all of that, I had the thought to put some of our stories into a book as source of encouragement for other people… this proved to be a bigger project than I had anticipated, but when it was finished (the day before we left for Australia) it was all worth it and I was so glad that Dave had supported me and kept encouraging me until it was completed.

After returning to Thailand, we found out that there was still no teacher for Tobi and Eliana’s 2/3 class for the coming school year which was to begin in 2 weeks time.  I stepped in to help out for a couple of days a week, which very quickly turned into full time.  It was a huge task to jump in without much preparation, but thankfully it is a small class and despite the busyness of the past 5 months, it has been a joy to have the opportunity to teach, not only, an age group that I love, but also two of my own children!

It would be untruthful to say that it’s all been smooth sailing, the craziness of working full time and balancing family life has definitely been a struggle.  I am thankful that David has been so understanding and supportive.  What a blessing and privilege it is to be able to see how our children are growing in confidence each day and be a big part of educating them in this season.

The past five months really have been a blur!  It is nice to finally be on 2 weeks school holidays.  We are looking forward to our ZOE missionary Christmas party on Monday, Christmas Eve with the ZOE family on Christmas Eve and a quiet Christmas Day at home on Wednesday. 

I guess my summary of the past year would be, “a year of unplanned moments”.  I wrote a blog post about it back in October, which I will paste part of here, but I really think that, it is these moments in life that we often get to see God’s work at hand.  To be able to pause for long enough to see Him in these instances in all His goodness is what I hope to be able to do each and every day.

Nearly 4 years ago when we uprooted our family from life in Australia and moved across the seas to Thailand, we never could’ve imagined all the things that God had in mind for us.  Thankfully God has been right here alongside us every step of the way. 

I like what Alan Ward writes,

"Isn’t all of life an unplanned journey? Each day comes to us; we don’t get to preview it and skip the days that we don’t like. We can only choose to receive what each day brings and struggle to find God in the midst of it all—for God is with us always if we can but train our eyes to see, our ears to hear, and our hearts to be open to receive Christ into our lives anew each day.  I hope and pray that in time we will all learn to see God with us in every present moment and especially on the unplanned journeys that are so much a part of this life."

King's Parade

As we head into 2014, it is our prayer that we will seek God in every situation and live to please Him knowing that He is with us through it all.

May you have a blessed and joyful Christmas.

With much love from our home to yours,

Andrea (on behalf of The Cross Family).

P.S.   A short update from Dave…

One of my favourite things to do at Christmas is to reflect on the past year.  As I sit here and do this, I know that it sure has been a wonderful year at ZOE.  Many children have been rescued this year and we have been blessed with incredible provision from the Lord to do this work. 

During one of my times at a ZOE safe-house this year, one of the boys was asking me about Christmas, what it meant, how we celebrated etc, and he was quite fascinated by it.  I am excited that in just a few days he will enjoy his very first Christmas.  He, like many others who we have rescued this year, have been through some incredible challenges.  He is definitely still in the initial stages of healing, but I am very excited to be able to spend Christmas Eve with him and the other children at ZOE. 

The year for me, just like Andie mentioned, has been very full.   We have had more involvement with the Government of Thailand and I have attended many other meetings with organisations and governments from countries outside of Thailand.

I often sit in these meetings with people who have much higher qualifications and experience than me, wondering how I came to be there.  It is during these times that I say (many) quiet prayers and ask the Lord to give me the wisdom that only He can. It is interesting to see what’s happening as we work with and alongside people from a wide variety of cultures and viewpoints.

I have also enjoyed being part of the team to review and develop the plans for the ZOE safe houses and I pray that soon we will have the finances required for these necessary buildings.

In addition to these things, I have enjoyed teaching sport to some of the children, three times per week.  I have two basketball classes and one karate class.  I have found that this has been such a great way to continue building relationships with the children –especially the newly rescued ones.

The Lord is so good and He continues to help and guide us in our work at ZOE.

Thank you for continuing to empower us to do this work.

Blessings, David.